Why Is My Brother So Angry That I Changed Tables at His Son’s Wedding?

My sister, her husband and I were guests at our nephew’s wedding. My sister and her husband have a tense relationship with our brother (the groom’s father), but I had been on good terms with him. I was seated at the family table at the reception, while my sister and brother-in-law were placed at a spillover table farther away. They were hurt by this and complained to my brother at the reception. He said he had nothing to do with the seating arrangements. Still, I decided to leave the family table and sit with them instead. This caused a rift between my brother and me, and we haven’t spoken since. He asked me to apologize for “ruining the wedding,” but I don’t think I have anything to apologize for. He doesn’t understand how hurt my sister and brother-in-law were. Was I wrong?

SISTER

I want to be gentle here because it can be hard to remember, especially with family members, that we are not the main character in every story. This event was a celebration of your nephew and his new spouse, not a meal in your childhood dining room. What did your sister and her husband expect your brother to do at the reception — change their seats during dinner? (Banquet tables can seat only so many!) They should have spoken to him afterward — or left, if the situation was intolerable to them.

And I’m sure you thought you were being kind to your sister by leaving your seat at the prominent table. But what you really did was pull focus from the bridal couple by taking sides in a squabble among middle-aged siblings. This party was not about any of you, despite your having effectively commandeered it.

Now, your brother is overreacting, of course, by accusing you of ruining the wedding. But you asked about your behavior — which, in my view, was unnecessary. You could have sympathized with your sister without leaving a hole at a prominent table. And the fact that none of you can see beyond yourselves, even still, seems selfish to me. I would apologize to the newlyweds for that.

Bon Voyage Sans Moi!

I just returned from five nights in Paris, where I had planned a vacation with a friend. We agreed to split the cost of an expensive hotel room. But when we got to the airport, my friend was told he couldn’t fly. His passport was expiring in July — after we returned — but France requires passports to be valid for three months from departure. He received a voucher for his airfare, but what should I do about our prepaid hotel? I would never have stayed at such a fancy place on my own, and my friend urged me to go after he was told he couldn’t. But I don’t want to be unfair.